Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Driving with Miss Muffet

Let me tell you about my morning. It’s horrendous.

As we drove to our friend M’s house this morning, the boys were laughing and telling me there was a spider above my head. That it was going to jump on my head and poison me.
To be fair, this is quite normal.
I try to concentrate on my driving and leave them to it. We often play silly tricks on each other, well, they often play pretend games with me and usually it involves things they love but I can’t stand, like scorpions, spiders and other creepy crawly yucky things.
There’s also a back story you need to know about this morning’s situation;
I recently blew up my car, so the boys and I are using Daddy’s estate car which he uses on weekends. On Sunday, he used it to clear his Mum’s garden and he came home with a delightful story about seeing a giant tarantula sized spider crawling across the dash at some point during the day.
Great.
He said he’d tried his hardest to find it for me, he even came across as quite stressed about the fact that he couldn’t help.
“There’s nothing I can do!” he yelled at me, in (sorry to say it but its true) typical ‘Man from Mars: I need to fix things’ speech.
Great.
On Monday we needed to go on a very long journey. The boys and I swept out the whole car, finding all sorts of little bugs, but no massive beast. We couldn’t not go just because Mummy is a big wuss, so off we set. Two minutes into the journey the boys started yelling that there was a spider on the roof, coming to get us. I looked in my rearview to spot a tiny little, inoffensive thing dangling down from the roof, so I drove on. During the whole trip I drove slowly, checking the dash the entire time, nerves on tenterhooks. Not great for one’s stress levels at all.
I freakin hate spiders.
But the thing never turned up.
When we got to our destination, I did everything I could think of to scare it out; I put the blowers on, bashed the dash, I even put Katy Perry on really loudly.
Nothing.
Since I'm quite stressed out these days as it is, there are certain things I refuse to stress about and certain things I have to consciously let go of.
We have a lot of places to go this week.
I had to let go of the tarantula.
We used the car yesterday, and though it was kind of in the back of my mind, I didn’t let it bother me as much as it did on Monday.
Which brings us back to this morning.
So, the boys are giggling excitedly, yelling about a massive spider above my head. I disregard it as another money spider and drive onto the motorway.
Big mistake.
When they finally persuade me to have a look, I glance to my right, just above my window, and there, indeed, is the biggest spider I have ever seen in my entire life. Its about two inches away from my head.
I stare back at the road.
…………………………..(insert about 4 swearwords) what the hell am I gonna do?
I can’t pull over.
Katy Perry’s CD case is sat next to me, A-AH!
I slam it over the beast. I hold it there a while, not brave enough to move it and so I can squeeze in a glance at the road in front of me. I have no idea how fast I’m going at this point, which is very unusual and unnerving for me.
When I glance back up I realize the bastards legs are coming out the other side…the fucking roof isn’t flat! I have to maneuver the spider and the CD case to a flat part to make sure it’s squished. Spider innards smudge on the roof. Yuk. Breathe again, only look back at the road….I’m riding the middle of a two lane motorway, with a boy racer in a lurid lime green thing bombing towards me. A mirror check, a small swerve to the left, and thankfully the boy racer times his swerve nicely and misses us, just. Not sure anyone except a hyped up boy racer would have missed us so for that I’m grateful. It all happened so quickly he didn’t even have time to honk his horn at me.
About 30 seconds later, the corpse lands with a thud in my lap, which resulted in another squeal and a small swerve to where I didn’t belong. I can only imagine the words coming out of my fellow drivers on the motorway this morning, and I don’t blame them.
I was glad to finally arrive at M’s and spent a few minutes brushing myself down, oogling at the massive corpse and spraying rescue remedy on my tongue.
By the time we actually got to M’s door, you would’ve never guessed we nearly just died.
Just because I’m a pathetic.
But then who else would have been able to continue as normal with that beast looming overhead?
It could’ve jumped onto my head at any point, climbed into my eye and eaten my brain.

Ugh. I hate spiders.

I’m trying not to be angry with my husband. He did do his best after all. But I think, if I was my husband, and I knew how bad my reaction would be, I would’ve taken the whole damn car apart. I wouldn’t have risked my wife and my darling (cue emotional guilt trip) children. I know how badly I react to these things. I knew it would be this bad, although, to be fair I thought there would be more arm waving and screaming. As it happened, I just tried to stay focused on killing the bloody thing and not the boys in a horrible spider related car crash.
And FYI, I don’t always kill spiders. I try to leave them to it and go back to their hidey hole. But the car, well that’s a different matter.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

My Very First Short Story

I've been doing a few online FutureLearn courses lately.
It's been super! I'm always interested in learning something new, so having all this information available for free and in my own time is awesome. At the moment I'm currently doing two courses, one in kitchen chemistry and one in writing fiction.
I've always wanted to write, but I guess I didn't really know where to start. Keeping this blog was initially to get me writing more often. I figured the more time I spent constructing sentences, the more likely it would eventually come to me.
One of the tasks set by my course this week was to write a paragraph on a character using notes we'd collated from people watching. I'll be honest in saying I haven't found any time to people watch this week, but the course included a short video to start us off with, so I used that.
I started writing one morning while the boys were still asleep, and didn't stop until we were officially running late for group.
I thought I'd post it here for your perusal.
I really enjoyed writing it, so if you don't like it, it doesn't particularly matter to me ;) 
but constructive criticism is of course very welcome :)
Go gentle though, it's my first time.


Screen shots taken from FutureLearn's video.
The Girl at the Bus Stop.

The early Saturday morning commuters are mostly on their way to work.
But not Sally.
She sits at the bus stop clutching her sleeping bag on her lap, like some lost remnant of a life lost, of days gone by. Her bag beside her.
Oh, how she regrets going last night.
She’d bought this sleeping bag, choosing a luscious purple, especially for the girl’s slumber party, because her old one is still back home.
She awkwardly shifts her weight on the uncomfortable steel, her fingers fiddle with the sleeping bag toggle. She feels so out of place among the commuters. She can’t work out how to hold herself, where to put her hands. Do they know? Can they tell where she was last night? She feels dirty in last night’s clothes. Her teeth feel furry; her tongue tastes the same as the smell of a passing London bin truck. That smell which fills her street every Monday morning, as the truck dawdles through the early streets, gorging itself on the overcrowded houses’ rubbish, only to regurgitate it up a few small miles away.
She longs to be invisible.
At least she’s not in that house anymore. At least she’s free from those prying eyes.
Oh, she shouldn’t have gone last night.
She was expecting a proper girly slumber party, like the ones her and her friends had back home.
She’d been invited by the girls from work. The same girls who sniggered behind her back everyday. They were nice to her face of course, but she knew they thought she was just a simple country bumpkin and mocked her 22 year old virginity. She thought she’d go anyway. She hadn’t made many friends since moving here, so she wasn’t exactly in the position to turn down an invite. And if they only got the chance to get to know her better, surely things would be better at work.
The night started ok. They congregated at Lisa’s house, which she apparently shared with some other people. Lisa’s housemates were out for the night, so they had the place to themselves. The house was the end of an old Victorian terrace, with giant bay windows, all stone and cold looking. All three stories, with their black windows, loomed down on Sally as she passed the threshold.
As everyone settled in, handbags and coats taken to Lisa’s room upstairs, party donations presented, Sally wondered if she should worry that she had brought homemade chocolate biscuits but everyone else had brought wine.
No one had brought a sleeping bag.
She tries to fit in, to laugh along with their jokes, despite most of them being aimed at her.
They laugh at her when she asks when they’ll all be putting their PJs on.
“Well” says Lisa “if it’s an old fashioned sleep over she wants, lets do a makeover!”
She grabs her make-up bag and the girls sit Sally down on a stool, setting to work on her untainted face. But they won’t let her check the result in a mirror and hand her a mug of white wine.
She has a few drinks which make her cheeks feel hot and her legs unsure.
The girl’s jokes get ruder and start to baffle her completely. Her sheltered upbringing rearing its innocent head.
All the time, their eyes are on her, sideways glances to each other and small sniggers.
She continues to smile and nod. She so wants to fit in. At work the girls natter at their desks & go off for lunch together, while she sits alone all day, longing to be part of something. Part of anything. She knows she’s a massive prude, and she won’t sell her soul for a job, but some friends would be nice. They weren’t wrong when they said London can be lonely place. When she moved here, her poor Ma was so worried London would change her. She promised it wouldn’t.
As the evening wears on, the flow of wine grows faster and the air grows thick with cigarette smoke. Shaz goes out for more wine.
Oh, she should’ve left then! Why did she stay?
Instead she finds herself a seat in the dusty living room, a huge armchair in the corner of the darkened room, lit by a few lamps in the corners. There she sits, waiting for the nausea to subside. She tries to get herself a drink of water, but Sam won’t let her and pours her another glass of wine instead. So she sips it gently, trying to appease her thirst but only making it worse with the sickly sweet white wine.
Shaz returns, clanking all the way to the kitchen at the back of the house. Then her, Sam & Ally come into the living room giggling to themselves & sit together on the sofa. They don’t even notice Sally sat in the dark. Sally didn’t realize until they were arguing over the butt that they had been smoking a joint.
Oh, she should have left then. But it was too late. Her senses were dulled.
It was almost like time stood still and yet when she next looked at the clock on the wall, it was past 11pm and she’d missed her last bus home.
She sits in the armchair, her thoughts spinning, too nauseous to move. She feels trapped, trapped in her body. Trapped in this house.
A burst of raucous laughter jolts her from her day dream state. She looks through the doorway into the hall, where Shaz, Ally and Leah were cackling together, each clutching their phone, making drunken phone calls and sending texts.
Another hour slips by, Sally hasn’t moved from the armchair. Her head feels woozy, her eyes cloudy, like she’s lost her peripheral vision.
All of a sudden the front door crashed open, squeals of delights run from the kitchen and the living room is filled with the smell of stale lager and body odour, tinged with the smell of fresh rain. She didn’t know it had been raining outside.
They were so loud. Their deep bass voices rumble through Sally’s bones, raising the sense of nausea from the pit of her stomach. Not wanting to puke here, in front of everyone, she drags herself out of her seat, avoiding eye contact with all, fumbling her way to the stairs, heading for the bathroom.
On her way through, she sees glimpses of strange men, having thrown off their wet coats, making a bee line for the girls. They must all know each other, thinks Sally as she heads up the stairs.
The bathroom is like a tiny sanctuary. All white and clean and bright. With the door locked, she can pretend she isn’t even here. She could stay here for the rest of time, but it’s inevitable that someone will need the toilet soon. In the mirror, her reflection is not her own. She looks like a whore. Thank God Ma can’t see me now, she thinks.
She rinses her face with cold water. It feels so good, she does it again. The nausea eases. She’s starting to sober up, but her head feels clouded, like the smoke got in there and fogged everything up. Like the mirrors when you have a long hot shower.
Mascara has dripped down her face. She finds some eye make up remover and manages to get most it all off. She’s relieved to see her old face staring back at her as she leans over the sink.
Not wanting to bump into anyone on the stairs, she decides to leave the sanctuary and find somewhere out of the way to spend the last few hours before the sun rises and the buses start running again. This kind of house always has nooks and crannies to hide in, as she knows from the childhood games she used to play back home. She’ll be able to find somewhere where no one will bother her.
As she opens the door, a figure looms out of the darkness. She screams a small scream, then decides she won’t be scared.
A big, sweaty man stands there with a stupid grin on his badly shaven face.
“So you’re little Miss Frigid are you? You’re quite pretty. Why have you not found anyone who’ll shag ya, eh?”
Stunned by his question, she tries to shove him aside, but he’s huge compared to her slight frame and he doesn’t budge.
He grabs her around the shoulders; she can feel his sticky palms on her skin. He smells like lager and ashtrays and something oddly spicy she can’t place. His clothes are covered in wet patches and stains, like a young boy who’s been out playing and ate his tea in a messy rush, eager to go back out.
He pushes her back into the small bathroom, holding her against the sink. The porcelain digging into the small of her back.
“It’s alright darlin’, chill out will ya, I only wanna chat” he tries to reassure her, but the way he’s leering at her tells another story. His eyes wander up and down her slender body, taking in her pale lemon blouse, thigh length skirt, black tights and comfortable work shoes. Stale from a day at work. He smirks.
“Maybe you should let the side down for once darlin’, let’s ‘ave some fun”
She’s afraid, just when she’d decided she wouldn’t be.
He leans in to kiss her. His grizzly wet lips aiming for her neck.
She reaches her breaking point.
Her whole self has taken such a bashing this evening.
She’s had enough.
There’s no way she’s letting this disgusting excuse of man touch her.
Yes, she’s a virgin but she’s not desperate, she’s saving herself. She doesn’t give a damn what the girls downstairs think. Not anymore.
She grabs a giant seashell which was sat on the windowsill and brings it crashing down onto the back of his head.
The look in his eyes goes dead. Stunned, he falls, his heaving weight tumbles sideways toward the toilet. His head smashes on the cistern before coming to rest on the toilet seat. She calmly places the shell back in its place. Stepping over his legs, she heads for the door. She glances back. He looks like he’s just passed out with his head over the toilet. There’s no blood. She wonders if he’s dead or just knocked out.
Her skin starts to crawl, her legs threatening to give way. She goes to Lisa’s bedroom where her overnight bag and her sleeping bag are stored and wanders around the first floor landing until she finds a window on the stairwell with a large sill. Shaking, she lightly tosses her bags up, then clambers carefully up, pulling the heavy curtains shut behind her.
Resting her head on the wall behind her, she waits for sunrise, so she can leave this Hell hole and get the first bus home.
Her thoughts are in turmoil. Is he dead? She should never have come tonight. Will someone find him like that? Will they think he’s just fallen asleep there? Will they think he’s dead? Will they scream? She should never have moved here. What made her think she could make a life for herself here? She promises herself she’ll get the first train home tomorrow. That’s where her heart belongs. She should just give up and go home. Coming here was Dad’s dream, not hers. She knows where she belongs. She thinks about Billy, the guy she left behind. She can’t hear the sounds coming from downstairs well enough to make any sense of them over the noise in her own head.

There’s a bright light in her eyes. As she opens them, memories fill her head and she wonders which ones are real. She realizes she’s perched on a window sill. The window is frosted so she can’t see through it but the light fills her head.
Oh god. It was real.
She carefully peeps around the curtain, but there is just silence. She lowers herself and her bags down onto the stairs. She glances at the bathroom, the door is wide open. The corpse is gone. She tiptoes down the stairs. As she descends she can hear voices in the kitchen; there’s a man and a woman talking. The man is nursing a sore hangover and a black eye which he can’t remember getting. They laugh together.
No one hears her open or close the front door.
She walks as fast as she can to the nearest bus stop, only realizing half way there that she hasn’t even checked her disheveled hair.
She’s already planning what to pack, what to leave behind and who she needs to tell she’s leaving. How easily would the police find her if she just left without a word?

She hopes the man she hit was the one she’d heard in the kitchen.

Chill Factor e - Review


It's my birthday tomorrow, so as a gift, my Mummy took my boys and I for some fun at the snow park.
Ed in particular has been very sad about the fact that it didn't snow this Winter. Every day, as the weather warmed up, he's had a little moan about there not being any snow yet.
Mum & I kept it a secret from the boys, they didn't know where we were going until the very last minute. They hadn't even realised I'd filled the boot with warm clothes! 
I was a bit concerned because the only booking we could make it to was at 6:30pm - bedtime! And it was on a day when they'd been playing at a group all day. They'd been outside, running around with all the other boys all day long, so when we got in the car to go home I asked them to have a little sleep because we were going to go out instead of go to bed at bedtime. Confused, but weary, they thankfully obliged.
There was time for a quick tea before we left for Manchester.
Then, after an hour's drive, still confused, they didn't argue when we got out of the car and changed into snow gear.
Sledging together.
 Snow angel!
 I love sledging!!
Bean loves sledging too, but he doesn't like to try to get up when he's reached the bottom.
Me & my little guys.

A little info on our adventure;
We went to Chill Factor e in Manchester, & booked online at
We got snow park passes, which include;
Tubing - There's one regular slide and two bumpy slides. Slide down in huge a rubber ring. 
Bean & I loved the bumpy slides & Ed loved being span around on the normal slide.





Snow & Ice Luge - Snow slide. 
It looks like a toboggan run, but you're given a flat bit of plastic to lay on. I bashed my fingers all the way down and therefore wasn't keen but Ed went on it again & again. You have to be 6 & over to ride, so Bean didn't get a chance :(



Sledging
A lot of fun! There's no travelator for this one, so you have to work for your thrills ;)

Everyone loved it & we could race. Once again, my Mum whooped my ass!



SnowPlay Area - Slightly deeper snow which is perfect for snowballing & snow angels. There's a little sloe and loads of foam shapes to throw around.


SnowPlay Carousel - Perfect for younger children. 

Unfortunately this wasn't manned but it was a bit late for smaller kids at that time of night.

Prices
Adult or child for 1 hour £20
or 2 hours £25
Plus they do a double up deal, so the 2nd adult or child is only another £5,
so it cost us £60 for the 4 of us for 2 hours.
FYI, we didn't stay for the whole 2 hours. We arrived late (didn't know the way) and then left when the boys asked to. It was good to have our options open though, especially as kids can be so unpredictable, and there's no point forcing them to stay.

I'm not sure I'd go with a child under 4, as there's only the play park and I personally would get cold and bored (that close to sledging but unable to leave the little one), but it does cost a lot less, at just £6 each for the under 4 and the accompanying adult.

(correct at time of print)
For more info on prices, go here.

When you arrive, you'll be given helmets & snow boots free of charge, so don't worry if your kids have grown out of their winter gear (Ed had grown out of his snow boots but the rest of us had our own). You can also hire coats & trousers for a fee. I was a bit foxed by the helmets at first...until I saw the slides. I'm so glad our heads were protected! It meant we could really let go and have fun. It also means we didn't need to pack our woolly hats.
Oooo and there's one more thing I need to say. The staff there are brilliant. All helpful and cheery, which really helps when you're at the bottom of a slide and you can see your four year old is at the top, too nervous to come down for the first time, but chatting with a lovely staff member.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Trending; No Make-Up Selfies - UPDATED

Last night my Facebook feed was chocca full of make-up free selfies.
At first it was funny, then as it started to fill I found myself getting annoyed.
I mean, how the hell is a photo going to help our fight against cancer?
Sure, we can 'raise awareness', but I don't know a single soul who doesn't know what cancer is.
We all have an idea of how to avoid it (plenty of suncream & no smoking).
We've all had the 'I've found a lump' panic (even if it's only a split second until you realise that's a bone and it's always been there. I recently had a mole go all peculiar, turned out to be a strategically placed spot. Boo hiss).
And we've all been scarred by losing someone to this terrible disease.
No make up selfie Vs cancer?
Seems ridiculous.
Until I dug deeper.

Too often, women can be awful to each other. There's always gossip, mis-information and far too much stirring behind each other's backs. It drives me to distraction, so it's nice to see us working together, as it were. 
There is something very beautiful in the solidarity between all my female Facebook friends.
ok, so not all these women are my FB friends lol, I added a few extras :)

What's even nicer, is that it seems this no make-up trend actually derived from an act of support from a woman to a woman. 
Laura Lippman posted a selfie on twitter with the hashtag #itsokkimnovak after 81 year old Kim Novak received a lot of negative attention due to her appearance at the Oscars.
Laura Lippman's selfie
Kim Novak at the Oscars
 It immediately went viral with both women and men posting selfies using the hashtag.
In a matter of days it seems, the trend on Facebook has twisted it to 'raise awareness' for cancer. Bit random, but Facebook does always have a tendency to be a tad sensationalist.

I don't know why Lippman chose to go make up free when Novak was being attacked for her over use of plastic surgery, but I hope she was trying to express that we should be more accepting of how a woman chooses to present herself to the world.
I mean, yes ok, she's 81 and she's had a hell of lot of work done, but she's old school Hollywood. That's her life, not mine. Her choice, not mine. What she does with her face is her business (literally).


This made me laugh, not because this is how I view my naturally beautiful friends, but because my inner nerd loves this movie.
But it does raise a valid point.
We're all so afraid.
Most of my friend's selfies come complete with an apology for looking so rough.

The no make up selfie could be about accepting who we are as we are and trying to be more content.

The happier you are with your body, the more likely you are to touch it, check it and therefore spot anything unusual. We are also more likely to nip off to the docs & get our bits out for inspection & therefore get the treatment we need.
Only the other night I was watching Channel 4's Embarrassing Bodies. Dr Christian was measuring men's penis' (is the plural peni?) so they could gage 'growers' and 'show'ers'. His main point was that if they aren't ashamed of their manhood & aren't worried the Dr will laugh at the size of it, they'll be more likely to get it checked if anything peculiar cropped up.
And that's how the no make-up selfie could help raise awareness for cancer. 
By making us love ourselves that little bit more.

As well as a surge in self love, I hope that cancer charities all over get a surge in donations too.
I'm so pleased to see some of my FB friends have chosen to post links to donation pages, because I think, though it's lovely to wave a sympathetic hand, but money, actual money is of more use.
A really easy way is to text 'beat' to 70099 to donate £3.
Cancer Research will receive at least £2.81 depending on your operator.
(UK only)
Or you donate another way here
When I've posted this, I'll be sending that text.
It's of course up to you. It's your money. I'm not judging anyone.

For now, here's my selfie.
I'm not wearing any make-up - honest.

I want to end with something I found on the Militant Baker's FB page.
"I'd rather be an honest mess, than be a perfect lie".
(If you want to start learning about self love, start there)

**************************************UPDATE***************************************

I had to add something here, simply because after I wrote this, the no-make up selfie did do something completley amazing; donations are up by record levels.
stuff like this kept apearing on my news feed;


 However cynical you might feel, that's awesome.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Tooth Fairy Related Battles

I literally cannot believe what is happening in my house today.
Who knew growing up could be this hard?
To explain; Ed lost his first tooth yesterday. It was such a relief when the thing finally came out after weeks of being wobbly. Yesterday was so full of angst as he was struggling to eat the simplest of things, and was therefore highly miserable. I had been tempted to feed him toffees, but it came out as he ate a bowl of ice cream - of all things!
So, after I spent my evening rushing round the store & squeezing in a late night gym session, I completely forgot to swap the tooth for a coin until about 6am, during the crappest nights sleep. I tried to find the tooth monster but it was nowhere to be found and I was risking waking him up. I had to give up.
When he awoke to find a tooth & no coin he was obviously disappointed, but when I asked where he'd kept the monster, he admitted he'd cuddled it all night so he could have an extra day with his tooth. 
Gaaa. 
Ok. Fine. 
He chatted about what he'll spend his money on. I was surprised to find he knew he'd get £1 for each tooth (we'd only decided that the night before so we must be on par with whatever he's watched/whoever he's spoken to), I was even more surprised to find he remembered that the little skateboards in the toy shop are a £1 so he could get one of those or he could save for something more expensive like a pack of moshi monsters (which would be all four front teeth) or a new transformer (which is 8 teeth). I was flabbergasted when he said he'd maybe get a skateboard and give it to Bean because he has two already but Bean only has one.
We came downstairs, ate breakfast, got ready for today's adventure.
While they were distracted, I exchanged the tooth for a £1. He carried it around the house for two hours before he noticed, and even then it was Bean who fished it out.
Cue meltdown.
Actual tears fell from his face as he yelled at me, exclaiming he really wanted the whole day with his tooth.
It wasn't long before I showed him I have the tooth, that I'd asked the tooth fairy if I could keep my babies first tooth, so we've done a swap, and he's agreed to swap back when he's ready.
He's still not cheered up. He's sad because I should've just told him I had the tooth. He told me that I've broken his sad bottle, it's smashed to pieces and it can't be fixed because it's on his insides not his outsides. Only Optimus (prime of course, Ed's imaginary friend) can get it fixed.
Oh god.
Oh no wait, he just cheered up. Yay. Fickle much?
So I guess the lesson I've learnt today is, listen to him, actually listen to him. Never presume he'd want the toy money, he might want the tooth, and though I can't work out why that's more important, it just is. To him at least.


Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Learning Self Love.

When I was younger, much younger, my friends and I would go to the MegaDisco.
If I remember rightly, it was a monthly event at our local leisure centre, a disco aimed at 13-18 year olds where we could pretend we were slightly older than we actually were.
The thing I remember the most about these events is the competition to kiss as a many boys as possible.
I don't know why I thought this was a good idea.
My friends didn't particularly take part, it was mostly my sister and I. 
Probably mostly me.
I vaguely remember having a conversation with my Mum about it, her asking why on earth I'd want to kiss that many boys and me trying to explain that it was just for a laugh.
Obviously the thought of it now, in my slightly wiser years, makes me feel a bit queasy. 
Sharing that many germs....ugh. 
And the obvious lack of self respect.
A tad off topic, but quite recently we had a slightly inappropriate moment when my 5 year old boy kissed a older boy goodbye after a period of time playing together. The next day we had a small conversation about who we should maybe save our kisses for. 
I think the same applies here. 
Kisses shouldn't be for just anyone.
Earlier on Facebook I read an interesting meme which said that kissing induces the same feel good chemicals as cocaine. Whether it's true or not, I haven't investigated, but I know how I feel when I kiss my husband, I know that flood of.....what's the word, without sounding gross......yumminess. Whatever it is, it's completely lovely.
What kind of bothers me is that if I had a daughter, and she told me about this, would I let her go to the MegaDisco again?
No. 
No I wouldn't. 
At least not until she'd learnt to love herself more.
(Yes, I can hear what you're thinking...she's a teenager, she'll find another way to do the hell she wants, she'll just not tell you anymore, etc, etc. Man am I glad I don't have any little girls!)
What worries me the most is, where does it end? A long list of snog mates? A few fumbles in dark corners? A quick bang round the back?
I can't help thinking this was the beginning of something horrible.
I wish I had know years ago that my self worth is not connected to who fancies me, how many boys I've kissed....and all the junk that goes with that.
Like a 'gateway' drug, is a kissing competition the start of a life of promiscuity? Possibly.
Being a Mum is hard, so I'm not trying to be judgemental on my own, especially as her own Mother was such a rubbish role model, but I wish she'd loved herself more, and therefore shown me how to love myself more.
I wish I'd known how much I matter when I was younger. I would've enjoyed my younger years a hell of lot more! You know the saying, 'youth is wasted on the young'? It's so very very true. I spent years hating myself, searching for love and respect in all the wrong places, trying to find justification for the space I was taking up and all that useful air I was breathing. I spent years worrying about what other people thought of me, and using their twisted opinions as the basis for my self worth.
I wish, when we'd had that conversation about how many boys I'd kissed, I wish she'd pointed out how much more I deserved, how disrespectful it was, how the focus of my evening should have been my friends, having a good old boogie and a great night. 
Not about boys.
I wonder how many years of sobbing over the crappy things teenage boys do to teenage girls would have been saved if the nail had been hit on the head then.
Maybe none. Maybe most of them. We'll never know.
But one thing we know for sure. If we teach our kids self love and self respect, they'll be much better off for it. And the only way to teach those things is to practise it in front of them. 
No one can fool a child into learning to love themselves when they know Mummy doesn't like herself that much.
So, go look in the mirror, find something you love about yourself.
Find something you're really good at.
Think about your great friends and family, and how much they love you.
Be happy with who you are not who you think you should be, and surely your small people will follow happily behind.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Halloween 2013

Halloween is a tricky one for me (like what I did there?)
Brought up by a deeply spiritual Christian woman, I was never taken trick or treating.
We were allowed to have a small party to ourselves, dress up, apple bob, eat donuts from strings pinned up over a door way & we were even allowed to raid my mums spice rack a make 'potions' (at least I think we were, we certainly did it regardless).
Trick or treating was considered begging at best, theft using fear & intimidation at worst.
As I became an adult, Halloween still never really hit it off in my life. I don't watch horror movies because I'm a giant wuss, so all the macabre and scary stuff just doesn't have a place in my head.
However, now I have children.
There are things I've done every single year, I always carve a pumpkin. I carried on going to my Mum's house to bob for apples and eat donuts.
Over the past few years I've started to make sure I have a bowl of sweets for the neighbourhood kids when they come round, and I've started to build up a box of decorations, bought from the supermarket during regular food shops or bought in sales at the end of the season.
Each year has been a conscious effort to make more of the season and this year, thanks to Pinterest, we made decorations together and had a Halloween dinner the night before. 
This year we were invited to a party at a friends, after which we all went trick or treating together as a group. The kids were on strict instructions to only knock on the doors of decorated houses, and each time the door opened one of the parents would apologise for the amount of children present.
It's funny. We watch so many American TV shows & movies, where Halloween is huge, and it has changed here so much in the past few decades, but it still felt a little awkward to me. I don't know if, as a 'door opener' you're supposed to pretend to be scared by the children in their costumes or what, but it defiantly seems that us British types haven't got the whole thing just yet.
Sadly, because we were out all night, my bowl of sweeties went un-trick-or-treated. What a shame.
We went to bed that night feeling quite proud of our boys who only had a few of their treats (self discipline at 4 & 5, how unexpected), but when I got up in the morning I found two boys downstairs sat on the sofa next to two empty buckets and a lot of sweetie wrappers. Never mind.
Bean with his decorated biscuit at Un-School.
Ed decorating a biscuit at Un-School.
Ed making chocolate spiderwebs.
Bean eating a spiderweb.
My attempt at chocolate spiders.
My dodgy attempt at sausage Mummies, as seen here.

My entirely-made-up-on-the-spot zombie brains. I made it using filo pastry, with a layer of tomato puree and cheese, rolled up all wiggly, then sliced & placed in a baking tray all hap-hazard like & baked. Yummy cheesy goodness.
My creepy eyeball jelly did not go to plan.
Yummy meringue ghosts.