Chill Factor e - Review

It's my birthday tomorrow, so as a gift, my Mummy took my boys and I for some fun at the snow park.

Ed in particular has been very sad about the fact that it didn't snow this Winter. Every day, as the weather warmed up, he's had a little moan about there not being any snow yet.

Mum & I kept it a secret from the boys, they didn't know where we were going until the very last minute. They hadn't even realised I'd filled the boot with warm clothes! 

I was a bit concerned because the only booking we could make it to was at 6:30pm - bedtime! And it was on a day when they'd been playing at a group all day. They'd been outside, running around with all the other boys all day long, so when we got in the car to go home I asked them to have a little sleep because we were going to go out instead of go to bed at bedtime. Confused, but weary, they thankfully obliged.

There was time for a quick tea before we left for Manchester.

Then, after an hour's drive, still confused, they didn't argue when we got out of the car and changed into snow gear.

Sledging together.

 Snow angel!

 I love sledging!!

Bean loves sledging too, but he doesn't like to try to get up when he's reached the bottom.

Me & my little guys.

A little info on our adventure;

We went to Chill Factor e in Manchester, & booked online at

chillfactore.com

We got snow park passes, which include;

Tubing - There's one regular slide and two bumpy slides. Slide down in huge a rubber ring. 

Bean & I loved the bumpy slides & Ed loved being span around on the normal slide.

Snow & Ice Luge - Snow slide. 
It looks like a toboggan run, but you're given a flat bit of plastic to lay on. I bashed my fingers all the way down and therefore wasn't keen but Ed went on it again & again. You have to be 6 & over to ride, so Bean didn't get a chance :(

Sledging
A lot of fun! There's no travelator for this one, so you have to work for your thrills ;)

Everyone loved it & we could race. Once again, my Mum whooped my ass!

SnowPlay Area - Slightly deeper snow which is perfect for snowballing & snow angels. There's a little sloe and loads of foam shapes to throw around.

SnowPlay Carousel - Perfect for younger children. 

Unfortunately this wasn't manned but it was a bit late for smaller kids at that time of night.

Prices

Adult or child for 1 hour £20

or 2 hours £25

Plus they do a double up deal, so the 2nd adult or child is only another £5,

so it cost us £60 for the 4 of us for 2 hours.

FYI, we didn't stay for the whole 2 hours. We arrived late (didn't know the way) and then left when the boys asked to. It was good to have our options open though, especially as kids can be so unpredictable, and there's no point forcing them to stay.

I'm not sure I'd go with a child under 4, as there's only the play park and I personally would get cold and bored (that close to sledging but unable to leave the little one), but it does cost a lot less, at just £6 each for the under 4 and the accompanying adult.

(correct at time of print)

For more info on prices, go here.

When you arrive, you'll be given helmets & snow boots free of charge, so don't worry if your kids have grown out of their winter gear (Ed had grown out of his snow boots but the rest of us had our own). You can also hire coats & trousers for a fee. I was a bit foxed by the helmets at first...until I saw the slides. I'm so glad our heads were protected! It meant we could really let go and have fun. It also means we didn't need to pack our woolly hats.

Oooo and there's one more thing I need to say. The staff there are brilliant. All helpful and cheery, which really helps when you're at the bottom of a slide and you can see your four year old is at the top, too nervous to come down for the first time, but chatting with a lovely staff member.

Silent Sunday

Trending; No Make-Up Selfies - UPDATED

Last night my Facebook feed was chocca full of make-up free selfies.

At first it was funny, then as it started to fill I found myself getting annoyed.

I mean, how the hell is a photo going to help our fight against cancer?

Sure, we can 'raise awareness', but I don't know a single soul who doesn't know what cancer is.

We all have an idea of how to avoid it (plenty of suncream & no smoking).

We've all had the 'I've found a lump' panic (even if it's only a split second until you realise that's a bone and it's always been there. I recently had a mole go all peculiar, turned out to be a strategically placed spot. Boo hiss).

And we've all been scarred by losing someone to this terrible disease.

No make up selfie Vs cancer?

Seems ridiculous.

Until I dug deeper.

Too often, women can be awful to each other. There's always gossip, mis-information and far too much stirring behind each other's backs. It drives me to distraction, so it's nice to see us working together, as it were. 

There is something very beautiful in the solidarity between all my female Facebook friends.

ok, so not all these women are my FB friends lol, I added a few extras :)

What's even nicer, is that it seems this no make-up trend actually derived from an act of support from a woman to a woman. 

Laura Lippman posted a selfie on twitter with the hashtag #itsokkimnovak after 81 year old Kim Novak received a lot of negative attention due to her appearance at the Oscars.

Laura Lippman's selfie

Kim Novak at the Oscars

 It immediately went viral with both women and men posting selfies using the hashtag.

In a matter of days it seems, the trend on Facebook has twisted it to 'raise awareness' for cancer. Bit random, but Facebook does always have a tendency to be a tad sensationalist.

I don't know why Lippman chose to go make up free when Novak was being attacked for her over use of plastic surgery, but I hope she was trying to express that we should be more accepting of how a woman chooses to present herself to the world.
I mean, yes ok, she's 81 and she's had a hell of lot of work done, but she's old school Hollywood. That's her life, not mine. Her choice, not mine. What she does with her face is her business (literally).

This made me laugh, not because this is how I view my naturally beautiful friends, but because my inner nerd loves this movie.

But it does raise a valid point.

We're all so afraid.

Most of my friend's selfies come complete with an apology for looking so rough.

The no make up selfie could be about accepting who we are as we are and trying to be more content.

The happier you are with your body, the more likely you are to touch it, check it and therefore spot anything unusual. We are also more likely to nip off to the docs & get our bits out for inspection & therefore get the treatment we need.

Only the other night I was watching Channel 4's Embarrassing Bodies. Dr Christian was measuring men's penis' (is the plural peni?) so they could gage 'growers' and 'show'ers'. His main point was that if they aren't ashamed of their manhood & aren't worried the Dr will laugh at the size of it, they'll be more likely to get it checked if anything peculiar cropped up.

And that's how the no make-up selfie could help raise awareness for cancer. 

By making us love ourselves that little bit more.

As well as a surge in self love, I hope that cancer charities all over get a surge in donations too.

I'm so pleased to see some of my FB friends have chosen to post links to donation pages, because I think, though it's lovely to wave a sympathetic hand, but money, actual money is of more use.

A really easy way is to text 'beat' to 70099 to donate £3.

Cancer Research will receive at least £2.81 depending on your operator.

(UK only)

Or you donate another way here. 

When I've posted this, I'll be sending that text.

It's of course up to you. It's your money. I'm not judging anyone.

For now, here's my selfie.

I'm not wearing any make-up - honest.

I want to end with something I found on the Militant Baker's FB page.
"I'd rather be an honest mess, than be a perfect lie".
(If you want to start learning about self love, start there)

**************************************UPDATE***************************************

I had to add something here, simply because after I wrote this, the no-make up selfie did do something completley amazing; donations are up by record levels.
stuff like this kept apearing on my news feed;

 However cynical you might feel, that's awesome.

Silent Sunday

Silent Sunday

Silent Sunday

Tooth Fairy Related Battles

I literally cannot believe what is happening in my house today.

Who knew growing up could be this hard?

To explain; Ed lost his first tooth yesterday. It was such a relief when the thing finally came out after weeks of being wobbly. Yesterday was so full of angst as he was struggling to eat the simplest of things, and was therefore highly miserable. I had been tempted to feed him toffees, but it came out as he ate a bowl of ice cream - of all things!

So, after I spent my evening rushing round the store & squeezing in a late night gym session, I completely forgot to swap the tooth for a coin until about 6am, during the crappest nights sleep. I tried to find the tooth monster but it was nowhere to be found and I was risking waking him up. I had to give up.

When he awoke to find a tooth & no coin he was obviously disappointed, but when I asked where he'd kept the monster, he admitted he'd cuddled it all night so he could have an extra day with his tooth. 

Gaaa. 

Ok. Fine. 

He chatted about what he'll spend his money on. I was surprised to find he knew he'd get £1 for each tooth (we'd only decided that the night before so we must be on par with whatever he's watched/whoever he's spoken to), I was even more surprised to find he remembered that the little skateboards in the toy shop are a £1 so he could get one of those or he could save for something more expensive like a pack of moshi monsters (which would be all four front teeth) or a new transformer (which is 8 teeth). I was flabbergasted when he said he'd maybe get a skateboard and give it to Bean because he has two already but Bean only has one.

We came downstairs, ate breakfast, got ready for today's adventure.

While they were distracted, I exchanged the tooth for a £1. He carried it around the house for two hours before he noticed, and even then it was Bean who fished it out.

Cue meltdown.

Actual tears fell from his face as he yelled at me, exclaiming he really wanted the whole day with his tooth.

It wasn't long before I showed him I have the tooth, that I'd asked the tooth fairy if I could keep my babies first tooth, so we've done a swap, and he's agreed to swap back when he's ready.

He's still not cheered up. He's sad because I should've just told him I had the tooth. He told me that I've broken his sad bottle, it's smashed to pieces and it can't be fixed because it's on his insides not his outsides. Only Optimus (prime of course, Ed's imaginary friend) can get it fixed.

Oh god.

Oh no wait, he just cheered up. Yay. Fickle much?

So I guess the lesson I've learnt today is, listen to him, actually listen to him. Never presume he'd want the toy money, he might want the tooth, and though I can't work out why that's more important, it just is. To him at least.

Silent Sunday.

Learning Self Love.

When I was younger, much younger, my friends and I would go to the MegaDisco.

If I remember rightly, it was a monthly event at our local leisure centre, a disco aimed at 13-18 year olds where we could pretend we were slightly older than we actually were.

The thing I remember the most about these events is the competition to kiss as a many boys as possible.

I don't know why I thought this was a good idea.

My friends didn't particularly take part, it was mostly my sister and I. 
Probably mostly me.

I vaguely remember having a conversation with my Mum about it, her asking why on earth I'd want to kiss that many boys and me trying to explain that it was just for a laugh.

Obviously the thought of it now, in my slightly wiser years, makes me feel a bit queasy. 
Sharing that many germs....ugh. 
And the obvious lack of self respect.

A tad off topic, but quite recently we had a slightly inappropriate moment when my 5 year old boy kissed a older boy goodbye after a period of time playing together. The next day we had a small conversation about who we should maybe save our kisses for. 
I think the same applies here. 

Kisses shouldn't be for just anyone.

Earlier on Facebook I read an interesting meme which said that kissing induces the same feel good chemicals as cocaine. Whether it's true or not, I haven't investigated, but I know how I feel when I kiss my husband, I know that flood of.....what's the word, without sounding gross......yumminess. Whatever it is, it's completely lovely.

What kind of bothers me is that if I had a daughter, and she told me about this, would I let her go to the MegaDisco again?
No. 
No I wouldn't. 
At least not until she'd learnt to love herself more.

(Yes, I can hear what you're thinking...she's a teenager, she'll find another way to do the hell she wants, she'll just not tell you anymore, etc, etc. Man am I glad I don't have any little girls!)
What worries me the most is, where does it end? A long list of snog mates? A few fumbles in dark corners? A quick bang round the back?

I can't help thinking this was the beginning of something horrible.

I wish I had know years ago that my self worth is not connected to who fancies me, how many boys I've kissed....and all the junk that goes with that.
Like a 'gateway' drug, is a kissing competition the start of a life of promiscuity? Possibly.

Being a Mum is hard, so I'm not trying to be judgemental on my own, especially as her own Mother was such a rubbish role model, but I wish she'd loved herself more, and therefore shown me how to love myself more.
I wish I'd known how much I matter when I was younger. I would've enjoyed my younger years a hell of lot more! You know the saying, 'youth is wasted on the young'? It's so very very true. I spent years hating myself, searching for love and respect in all the wrong places, trying to find justification for the space I was taking up and all that useful air I was breathing. I spent years worrying about what other people thought of me, and using their twisted opinions as the basis for my self worth.

I wish, when we'd had that conversation about how many boys I'd kissed, I wish she'd pointed out how much more I deserved, how disrespectful it was, how the focus of my evening should have been my friends, having a good old boogie and a great night. 
Not about boys.

I wonder how many years of sobbing over the crappy things teenage boys do to teenage girls would have been saved if the nail had been hit on the head then.

Maybe none. Maybe most of them. We'll never know.

But one thing we know for sure. If we teach our kids self love and self respect, they'll be much better off for it. And the only way to teach those things is to practise it in front of them. 

No one can fool a child into learning to love themselves when they know Mummy doesn't like herself that much.
So, go look in the mirror, find something you love about yourself.
Find something you're really good at.
Think about your great friends and family, and how much they love you.
Be happy with who you are not who you think you should be, and surely your small people will follow happily behind.

Halloween 2013

Halloween is a tricky one for me (like what I did there?)

Brought up by a deeply spiritual Christian woman, I was never taken trick or treating.

We were allowed to have a small party to ourselves, dress up, apple bob, eat donuts from strings pinned up over a door way & we were even allowed to raid my mums spice rack a make 'potions' (at least I think we were, we certainly did it regardless).

Trick or treating was considered begging at best, theft using fear & intimidation at worst.

As I became an adult, Halloween still never really hit it off in my life. I don't watch horror movies because I'm a giant wuss, so all the macabre and scary stuff just doesn't have a place in my head.

However, now I have children.

There are things I've done every single year, I always carve a pumpkin. I carried on going to my Mum's house to bob for apples and eat donuts.
Over the past few years I've started to make sure I have a bowl of sweets for the neighbourhood kids when they come round, and I've started to build up a box of decorations, bought from the supermarket during regular food shops or bought in sales at the end of the season.
Each year has been a conscious effort to make more of the season and this year, thanks to Pinterest, we made decorations together and had a Halloween dinner the night before. 

This year we were invited to a party at a friends, after which we all went trick or treating together as a group. The kids were on strict instructions to only knock on the doors of decorated houses, and each time the door opened one of the parents would apologise for the amount of children present.

It's funny. We watch so many American TV shows & movies, where Halloween is huge, and it has changed here so much in the past few decades, but it still felt a little awkward to me. I don't know if, as a 'door opener' you're supposed to pretend to be scared by the children in their costumes or what, but it defiantly seems that us British types haven't got the whole thing just yet.

Sadly, because we were out all night, my bowl of sweeties went un-trick-or-treated. What a shame.

We went to bed that night feeling quite proud of our boys who only had a few of their treats (self discipline at 4 & 5, how unexpected), but when I got up in the morning I found two boys downstairs sat on the sofa next to two empty buckets and a lot of sweetie wrappers. Never mind.

Bean with his decorated biscuit at Un-School.

Ed decorating a biscuit at Un-School.

Ed making chocolate spiderwebs.

Bean eating a spiderweb.

My attempt at chocolate spiders.

My dodgy attempt at sausage Mummies, as seen here.

My entirely-made-up-on-the-spot zombie brains. I made it using filo pastry, with a layer of tomato puree and cheese, rolled up all wiggly, then sliced & placed in a baking tray all hap-hazard like & baked. Yummy cheesy goodness.

My creepy eyeball jelly did not go to plan.

Yummy meringue ghosts.

Foraged Fruit Crumble

I know some of you will scorn, either because you think this should have happened ages ago, or because you think it's maybe a bit minging, but for me this is very, very exciting.

Yesterday the boys and I went to the park with a friend, M and her two girls to feed the ducks and have a play.

While the children were investigating the edge of a field, one of them came rushing back to us proudly clutching a berry.

I was immediately excited simply because it wasn't one the those red/orange things that usually get squished into my car seats.

So the grown ups (me included) went to check them out. We found a tree bursting with sloe berries. Thankfully, because we'd been feeding the ducks using a bag of chicken food my excellent friend had so thoughtfully brought with her, we had an empty carrier bag. So the four kids helped us collect sloe berries as well as some elderberries M had noticed and we filled our bag. My boys were so excited, so proud of themselves bless 'em.

So we rushed back to M's house to make a fruit crumble using the berries we'd collected and some apple & pears from her garden.

I have to be honest, I wasn't very brave when M was picking the bugs out as we washed the fruit. I can't stand earwigs, they freak me out, so watching her let them crawl all over her hands as she collecting them from the fruity water made me squeal like a big girl.

Anyhoo, I bravely de-stalked the fruit as M made the crumble. I like the way M didn't faff with the fruit to make the crumble, she just threw it all in a pan, sprinkled some sugar over, then covered the lot in crumble mix and baked it for an hour.

Man, it was tasty. Especially because it was gluten free, so I could eat it without falling asleep yay!

I could eat crumble all day.

I took a massive bowl full of berries home with me and spent today boiling it down and blitzing it in the juicer. It turned into this rich, thick syrup. I froze it in ice cube trays for adding to fruit smoothies  and the like. Since there was so much juicy pulp left over, I put it back into the pan with some hot water and some sugar, boiled it, then sieved it & added it to gin.

I tested that earlier, and it's a little too feisty to drink over ice, so maybe I'll add more sugar or berries or both. I'll decide later.

Looking forward to throwing some of those fruity ice cubes into a shake in the future....

Silent Sunday

Don't Panic. It's only Facebook.

I am constantly being driven mad (but not driven away it seems) by the shit people post on Facebook.

The constant;

For crying out loud. The fact they are always so unbelievably easy tells me one thing.
Information sharing spam.

The incessant 'police' warnings making women feel unsafe going to the frickin store (that's a rather in depth rant that I'll not get into here, but it had to be mentioned).

The candy crush invites....

These;

Whatever your beliefs might be, the idea that angels or god or whatever is 'challenging' you through Facebook is absurd. I think this shit is nasty for so many reasons. In my humble opinion it is false hope giving lies. This comes from a place of love and care, but if your life is so broken, only you can fix it.

I hate all 'like'/'share'/'ignore' memes. Full stop. Especially the ones that use photos of really poorly children....grrrrrr.

I'm also annoyed by the fact that every other day there is a new 'missing person/dog' spread on Facebook. I usually google them, if I have a moment. The reason I've never shared one is because they have almost always been found. Of course I understand how useful social networking sites can be for sharing information quickly, but it's a useless tool if people become blasé about seeing these things presuming them to be bullshit. If we checked them before we shared them, it would be a far more powerful weapon.

So anyway, now this;

Now we're all terrified of six legged spiders??

Cue the back story which has made me write this today.

Yesterday my boys were playing with a spider, which by the time I caught them and recommended they put it in the bug collector so they could look at it, only had six legs. I presumed they had managed to pull in the off in the unmentionable game they were playing with it before I came to the rescue. But when I saw this on a friend's page, I began googling, fearful that they had in fact been playing with something quite dangerous.

Now I'm going to have to say it.

I didn't want to. 

I didn't want to be a bitch. 

But people, will you please, before you put something on your FB wall, will you please google it? 

Find out for yourself if it's true or not.

This is what I found, after months of being annoyed by the whole 'sudden influx of 10,000,000,000 deadly spiders in the U.K.' thing.

Google was mostly full of cheap newspaper articles about deadly spider bites, but there was also some real information about the species.

Interestingly, this spider the noble false widow, has been in the UK since it came in on some bananas in 1870. 
So no sudden influx. 
Just an increase in numbers and a movement north as our climate became warmer.

Also, it turns out it's not so deadly, since no one as actually died. Ever.

Warning, don't watch this video if your stomach turns at the crawling of a spider over a persons hand. Mine does. I held it in because my boys were watching and I'm trying to be brave.

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/false-widows--it-s-probably-a-false-alarm-152131532.html

I learnt a fantastic new fact today. There are 670 species of spider in Britain (blurgh), but only 12 of these are capable of biting a human (yay!).

So, I think we should try to be more responsible about what we throw onto our timelines, and not just click it without thinking.

And let's try not stress people. 

Relax.

Even if you've seen it on Facebook, doesn't mean it's true :)

Life is Better with a Dog

Every Sunday, we go to my Mum's for dinner and a play.

Mum has two big dogs, one of which she has had for years, but the Husky is a new addition to the family.

I came away last Sunday feeling really, really lucky that we have these marvellous creatures in our lives.

I am thrilled to bits to see how well she has settled in and how well she treats my boys.

She's only a young dog at no more than a year old (she's a rescue and no-one is sure how old she is), so she's full of beans and feist, but once again Mum has managed to find a dog who can put up with small children.

Bean in particular loves all creatures great and small. He's a cuddler, which often means typical four year old type strangulation and 'over-loving'. He'll learn in time to be more gentle, but for now I'm just grateful we have dogs that won't give him the nip he probably deserves.

This is Bean snuggling with Cassie. The most marvellous thing I've noticed about Huskies is the love of snuggles.

This is the boys trying to make the dogs sit for a treat. It's difficult with two kids who are learning how to speak to a dog and two dogs who are the same size as said children...

Bean and Cassie a few weeks after she moved in.

This is our lovely little Milly.

Our lives are so enriched by these dogs.

It's hard to put it into words without getting a bit too soppy.

It's clear, not matter what kind of dog you have whether it's a handbag dog, or a great big horse of a thing, it makes your life better. However crap my day has been, spending a few milliseconds giving Milly a little chin scratch cheers up right up. A sofa cuddle with a blanket and a Milly puts me in a better mood than a whole tub of Ben & Jerry's (the lack of eater's guilt obviously helps too haha). In fact, nowadays, even though it doesn't happen very often, if I ever throw a blanket over myself while I'm sat on the sofa, Milly knows her place and joins me immediately.

It's these moments that I forget what's been chewed....

This is Ed when he was a bit poorly. She always seems to know who's feeling pants and loiters until she's invited for a snuggle. Although I think on this occasion cheeky Milly is simply enjoying the opportunity to lay on someone's pillow...she does not like cold floors haha. I'm sure she's not alone in this, but if there is ever anything fabric or cosy on the floor, she'll be asleep on it before you can blink.

Milly playing in the snow last winter.

My Miley Rant

It's time.

It was guaranteed to happen eventually.

Here is my Miley Cyrus rant.

I've watched from afar.

My formative years weren't spent with pop music.

Mummy brought us up on Madonna, Meatloaf and the occasional classical music CD. Actually thinking back, it was mostly 80's rock. When it became my choice as to what tape to put in, it was usually Bon Jovi or Bryan Adams, which somehow led me to Metallica and other rock music. I spent my late teens surrounded by metal.

So I am not in the pop scene. I've only a vague idea of who's who.

I see snippets thanks to X factor, YouTube and Facebook but I don't usually like what I see (still watch X factor though, car crash telly at it's best).

But there are two things that make me mad. Rihanna & Miley.

Dirty bitches. That's the first phrase to come to mind.

But those bitches can siiiiiiiiing.

It's a crying shame.

It makes me glad I don't have daughters.

And I hope that my boys will grow up to become men who turn away when a chick lifts her skirt for anything less than mutual love behind closed doors.

Oh god, I sound like a prude. I am so not. But dude, that doesn't need to be on my TV.

I do not need to see Miley's ass crack. Ever.

I'm happy to hear the girl sing, but I don't need to see her tits.

I YouTubed Miley's VMA performance after everyone ranted about it the day after.
Then I watched the 'we cant stop' & the 'wrecking ball' video so I could form my own opinion.

Wow.

The first thing that popped into my mind when this shot came up was what I'd look like in this pose....how did she manage to contain those tiny nipples? Mine would be round my neck hahaha.

On a more serious note, I did notice the similarity between the crying scenes & Sinead O'Conners video & I personally thought it a cheap shot at adding 'depth' to the vapid, shallow, nastiness that is that video.

I love that Sinead o'Conner stuck up for what it right & true. It's so predictable that Miley responded with that immature twittering.

My baby sister used to watch Hannah Montana, so obviously I've ended up watching a few episodes & I'm vaguely familiar with her on screen/off screen Daddy. 
Man, I feel sorry for Billy.

role model? really?

I think these days, artists really do need to understand the importance of being a good role model, and that this is not OK. By all means, enjoy your youth, go out and party. But it's not OK to brag about your need for chemical help to enjoy yourself, it's not OK to take your clothes off in public, it's not OK to encourage little girls to look like little boys in that awfully gangly, anorexic way. And it's definitely not OK to prostitute yourself and lessen your actual talent. Please excuse my bluntness, but I believe humans are so much more than 'where I can shove that in'.
I find her claim that she shaved her head, inspired by Sinead, to gain a little control over her image disturbing (obviously I think people can do what they like with their hair/bodies, but in this context, it seems an odd thing to do).

"I just cut my hair and then it really changed my life. There’s something about having no hair that screams being confident. And I think especially because people like to put people in a box — I mean, the names I’ve been called since I cut my hair......I’m at a point where it’s like I know who I am, but I know that I’m not finished figuring that out and I won’t be finished until I’m in the dirt.'   taken from; http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2442749/Miley-Cyrus-simulates-sex-Terry-Richardson-shoot-swipes-Sinead-OConnor.html
Let's hope that in time, she delves a little deeper and finds herself some actual self esteem.