A Boy or a Girl...Who knows?

I am so torn.

When we were expecting the boys, we found out what we were having as soon as we could, and luckily so because I was convinced Ed was a girl and called him Beth for 5 months. I cried when I found out and I’m glad I had the adjustment time before he arrived, rather than going through 9 months of thinking I was getting the girl I dreamed of and trying to deal with not only a newborn baby but a newborn baby boy.

With Bean, it was important to find out because, being just 16 months apart, I needed to know if I could re-use Ed’s stuff and I was super happy to get another beautiful boy.

Now things are very different.

There are no hand-me-downs.

I honestly don’t care what we get. Now that I’ve hung around with kids a little more I can see the pros and cons of both genders. They both come with joys and difficulties of their own. Boys tend to be noisier whilst girls tend to be talkative, boys tend to have a lot of energy but girls seem to come with a lot of drama.
So, when we found out we were expecting, we originally said we wouldn't find out what it was. Let it be nature's best surprise we thought. But it turns out to be one of the most frustrating withheld truths known to man.

I absolutely love surprises. I am not the person shaking the presents under the Christmas tree. Even when I help my computer illiterate husband to order my present online, I cover the screen until the payment has cleared and I can close the page (I get very annoyed if I fail and accidentally see what it is). And in preparation for our last wedding anniversary a few months ago, I refused to help him order me something and therefore got the basic flowers and chocolates. If it wasn’t going to be a surprise, I didn’t want anything.

But growing a human inside me feels different.

I’d love to have that moment when I’ve given birth and my husband hands me our baby and tells me himself if it’s a boy or a girl.

But I am already sick of calling our beloved growing fetus ‘it’. I've named it Pixel so I can avoid this a little.

Trying to find a unisex pushchair I like is becoming a nightmare.

Everything I want to buy in preparation is so gender orientated these days, even washable nappies come in delightful bright prints, leaving me with the choice of white or…white. And try buying a snowsuit, the gender neutral ones are genuinely disgustingly beige.

Knowing what it is might help us all bond with the unborn baby, especially the boys who are basically dealing with the abstract at the moment. There isn’t even a decent bump for them to stroke. The other night, as we all sat on the sofa digesting our dinner, I suddenly yelped and the boys were very surprised to hear me tell them I could feel the baby wriggling. I was especially surprised because with them I hadn’t felt anything until I was about 17 weeks so I wasn’t expecting to feel anything at all at just 14 weeks. The first thing Ed said was;

“I thought it was a lie baby. That means it’s almost complete!”

I guess dealing with an abstract idea, one without any actual proof, is not his strong point and I wonder if telling him whether it’s a boy or girl would help him. Otherwise, he’s in for one hell of a shock.

As much as having a girl terrifies me (they turn into teenage girls you know), I don’t honestly know how sad I’ll be at the thought of having a house full of children and no tutus.

Chatting with a friend last week, she described having baby girl after having a boy as the opening of a new door, and she’s right. I’ve always had the girl door closed on me. How sad will I be to find out it’s always going to be closed? (no. 3 is the last baby we’ll have, it is a car full after all) Will I be better off finding out sooner rather than later? Will it matter at all?

Another part of me doesn’t want to find out just so, if I am having a girl, I’m not swamped in that delightful shade of baby pink. I do so love green, teal, turquoise and yellow.

A friend of mine posted this on my Facebook wall and it made me think, even if I did have a girl, this is probably the kind of girl I’d end up raising anyway, especially with two, superhero obsessed big brothers.

I also love this.

In fact, I already have the cutest skeleton babygrow stashed away in Pixel’s drawers.

According to this, odds are still 50/50 ish regardless of the fact that so far, I’ve only managed to make boys. My chances of having a girl have only fallen 2% after having two boys, so we'll just have to see. We may find out in just over a month, or we may not. Or we might find out and only tell the boys. I just don't know. We've got  month to decide.