Baby Panic

I started writing this when I was two months pregnant but didn’t publish as we hadn’t announced it.

I’m having a panic.

A friend from Uni recently had a baby, and therefore her Facebook posts are full of her beautiful baby and super cheerful notes on how happy she is and how lucky she feels.

Me however, I’m mid panic.

I know what its like to have a baby. I know the mind numbing monotony of feeding, wiping, dressing, washing, desperately trying to squeeze in a nap, trying to make it out the house for it to only end in tears. I know how it feels to have not had any where near enough sleep, to have someone else entirely reliant on you.

And yet here she is, always so positive. I want to message her asking if she really is that positive all the time. I wrote the message in my head and then realized, I really didn’t want her to admit to feeling a little blue. I really didn’t care to have my bubble of her and her joy burst.

I also remember those moments when you look at your baby’s face and think, bloody hell you’re beautiful. I still have those moments now, even though they’re not cute little squishy things anymore, they’re strong and muscular growing boys. And although their temper tantrums are more destructive than when they were in nappies, their hugs are fiercer too.

It may just be crazy hormones, but sometimes I think ‘what the hell have I done?’, but more often I cry with sheer happiness that finally the baby have talked about for years is here, growing well and will be with us in no time at all. The idea of watching this little human grow up and become even half the person the boys have become is absolute bliss.

It’s going to be messy, noisy and sleep deprived, but it’s also going to be full of sloppy kisses and giggling, because if nothing else, the shit the kids get up to makes me laugh until my belly hurts.

I can’t wait.